Although the rosters for the upcoming 2024 season are unknown, it’s almost objectively safe to say that the Quad City River Bandits are likely to be the strength of the Royals Organization. When you compare them to the Columbia Fireflies, Northwest Arkansas Naturals, and Omaha Storm Chasers, the River Bandits’ roster figures to be the best. This is one of many reasons why I will be covering them for Farm to Fountains.

For those of you who were unaware, River Bandits were quick and aggressive criminals. Like The Mearl Gang pictured above, they focused on robbery and smuggling. It should be noted that some might have seen themselves as vigilantes. In almost every case, the River Bandit is not only armed with a firearm but incredibly resourceful.

How River Bandits match up

COLUMBIA FIREFLIES VS QUAD CITIES RIVER BANDITS

Going through the competition, Fireflies are simply small bioluminescent insects. Even though they’ve been on this earth for millions of years, they – IN NO WAY – are equipped for any form of combat and pose no threat in a battle scenario. They are not natural predators and don’t even have territorial battles to the death amongst each other. There are numerous eyewitness cases of children being able to catch them with their bare hands.

Even though they are High-A vs. Low-A, it’s not even a real matchup to place silk-smooth criminals against these gentle, romantic creatures. In the great cinematic tale, The Princess and the Frog, a Firefly is the main supporting character. He believes in his heart that a star a billion miles away is his true love, and despite being brave, he does die rather easily. Any creature that can’t survive a Disney Animated movie is really not in the conversation (Sorry Mufasa, but you let your brother trick you and his name was Scar).

NORTHWEST ARKANSAS NATURALS VS QUAD CITIES RIVER BANDITS

This will be the most controversial take that I have. I’m prepared for it. Some might say that the “Naturals” is a nod to the Robert Redford baseball epic “The Natural”. Robert Redford was Sundance in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. One of the greatest bandits the cinema has ever seen.

But because the Northwest Arkansas Naturals do not license from the movie studio that owns “The Natural”, I’m left to believe that the Naturals is a reference to the wonderful Natural Hot Springs found in Northwest Arkansas.

Now, the Hot Springs are a geothermal feature, a body of hot water emerging from the ground. There’s some danger here. First off, what happens if you get burned by this water? What happens if a person gets hot spring water in their eyes? In Yellowstone National Park, people have died in the Hot Springs due to the high acid content. Could you get sucked into it? Would it be so relaxing that the Bandits might internalize their life choices and focus on a simple-joyous life?

Well, the one thing that the Hot Springs aren’t prepared for is the fact that these aren’t the Quad City Bandits. These are Quad City River Bandits. Men and Women who are essentially the Navy of Banditry. They know the waters better than anyone. Often they’ll have small boats waiting for them should they need to escape any situation. They are expert swimmers against rough currents. They can probably withstand hot days. So it really is an EASY FLAWLESS VICTORY for the River Bandits here.

OMAHA STORM CHASERS VS QUAD CITIES RIVER BANDITS

Another fine matchup. Some might complain and say that the Tornado is the mascot for the Storm Chasers. Shouldn’t it be a River Bandit vs. A Tornado?

Quite honestly, I think the real competition here is the late Bill Paxton (who proclaims himself to be the Ultimate Badass ) and Academy Award Winning Helen Hunt from the acclaimed film “TWISTER”. River Bandits might be clever criminals, but they are not privy to scientific research and weather analysis on one of the greatest forces of nature known to man. They might not be as determined as Dr. Jo Harding.

If you watch the film Twister, they not only have cars but they ride in a caravan honking their horns wildly every time a Tornado is in the area. Even in the film, the nemesis is a man who stole their idea for a Tornado Tracking Device. In many ways, he is a new-age Bandit.

But I have to say that they are focused on the sky and the wind. And not the water. A River Bandit would use their love of Tornados and the never-ending will-they-or-won’t-they-romance against them and then work in tandem to be victorious. In many ways, they become a Tornado of Banditry that wipes away their chances of winning a battle. Respect to Storm Chasers around the world, but this goes to the River Bandits.

FINAL BOSS ROUND: KANSAS CITY ROYALS VS QUAD CITIES RIVER BANDITS

At the end of the day, you might be wondering: How would they match up against the Royal Family? For the sake of argument, let’s ignore the fact that the Royals were named after the American Royale and focus on the Royal Family of England, including reigning monarchs, their spouses, and miscellaneous family members.

In a real battle, they aren’t even allowed to engage in combat as they have the entire kingdom to protect them. But River Bandits would likely bypass all security measures, evade any guards, and exploit vulnerabilities amongst the Royal Family (yes, we’re talking about Prince Andrew here).

There are still several factors. How prepared were they for the River Bandits? Did they realize that Buckingham Palace is on a River (the THAMES)? Does Prince William still remember his military training? Is Harry still part of this battle? Would the followers of the kingdom sacrifice their own life for the Royal family today? They are not in the same power they used to be. It feels like that gives the edge to the stealth and crafty River Bandits.

Making these River Bandits the most threatening team within this organization. And just like Ocean’s 11, our Bandits built a full-scale replica (on a RIVER) to prepare for the (Royal) heist in the making.